


Confession is Good for the Soul

by RobronForever (tvlover9)



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, robron - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 20:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4536609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvlover9/pseuds/RobronForever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Late night conversations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confession is Good for the Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little drabble I wrote a couple of weeks and forgot to post. It's the first story I've ever written in first person so I hope it doesn't suck!

Tomorrow I’m going to prison. I glance at the clock on the beside table, actually it’s 1 am, so _today_ I’m going to prison. I get up and dress silently in the near dark, I put my cell phone in my jacket pocket and hesitate as I pick up the gun staring at it, finally I slip it into my other pocket and quietly slip from my room at the B &B. I walk carefully through the dark silence of the B&B out the front door into the cold darkness of the early morning.

 

I walk slowly toward the cemetery savoring the cold air on my skin. I make my way to my father’s grave, and stand silently in front of the headstone unsure of what to say. I squeeze my eyes shut seeing the look of disappointment on my father’s face so commonly directed towards me. “I’m sorry dad. I know I messed up again. Everyone hates me, and I deserve it. I know I do. I’ve hurt so many people, Andy, Diane, Vic, Chrissie, Paddy, Aaron. I’m glad I went to the police, I am... I didn’t realize how much the secrets were killing me until they were all out, but, I…I’m scared Dad. I don’t think I can do it, prison.” I sink to the ground lacking the strength to stand, to fight, to hope. “I’m so scared and alone. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I can survive prison, especially knowing when I get out I will have nothing and no one. Diane, Victoria, Andy they all refuse to talk to me. Aaron… he can’t even look at me, he would be better off if he never met me, he hates me, and he should, but I…I can’t stop loving him even though I don’t deserve him. I know, I know, me and my pity parties, but this times different. None of them will ever be able to forgive me and honestly, they shouldn’t. They’ll all be better off if I’m gone for good, especially Aaron, so it’s a win, win right? They can move on with their lives…” I gulp in air trying to calm myself. “And I don’t have to go to prison…” I carefully pull the gun out of my pocket, the one I pointed at Aaron all those months ago.

 

I hear a gasp behind me and jump up scrubbing the tears from my eyes as I turn. My heart clenches as I see Aaron standing behind me his mouth gaping in shock. I hide the gun behind my back hoping he hasn’t seen it but knowing he has. He looks at me and says, “Give me the gun Robert.” My insides quiver at the steel in his voice. “Aaron…” I start but I have no idea what to say to him. I look at the ground unable to meet his eyes. He sighs, “Robert, I know it’s scary, I’ve been there, but you can do this. You’re not alone. Now, give me the gun!” I look up into his beautiful blue eyes and before I even realize what I’m doing I reach out and lay the gun in his out stretched hand. He lets out a breath and sinks to the ground putting the gun on the other side of him out of my reach. His head drops onto his knees. I stand there staring at him not sure what to do. “Aaron?” I ask hesitantly. He looks up at me with tears streaming down his face. “Sit down ya muppet.” I scoff as I move to sit beside him, close enough we could touch but not close enough that we are touching. We sit in silence for a few moments.

 

“What’s wrong?” I finally manage to ask him. He laughs, “Seriously? I find you here in the middle of the night talking about offing yourself and you want to know what’s wrong?” I swallow loudly, trying to clear the lump in my throat. “I guess I thought you wouldn’t care, after everything I did to you and your family.” I can feel him looking at me but I can’t bring myself to turn and face him. “Ya, well you’re an idiot.” I don’t respond, and after a minute of silence he starts speaking. “You know I was lying right? At the lodge, when I said I don’t love you. It pisses me off, and most…some of the time I would give anything for it to go away, but it hasn’t and I don’t think it ever will. I…I wouldn’t be able to handle it if you died Robert.” I gasp at his words, my heart pounding. “I know you’re scared, when I went to prison, especially the first time, I was terrified, but I survived and you will too.” I sigh “But I’m not…” He interrupts me “as good a scrapper as me?” I chuckle shaking my head. “I was going to say brave. I’m not as _brave_ as you are.” He laughs bitterly. “Me, brave? Reckless, a mug, stupid maybe, but not brave.” I reach out and grab his chin turning his face to me. “You look at me Aaron Livesy, you are the bravest most amazing person I have ever met. You have been through so much, a lot of it caused by me, but you’ve never given up, you keep fighting! Yes you’ve struggled, but you are still here! And after everything I did to you and your family you still took the time to save me.” I glance at the gun beside him. “I don’t deserve to breath the same air as you, but here you are saving my life and making me feel better, so I don’t want to ever hear you talk about yourself like that again!”

 

He just looks at me with tears in his eyes. As my hand drops from his face I see the weariness in his eyes and it breaks my heart. “I know what you’re thinking. I know I didn’t always treat you like the amazing man you are.” I look down unable to meet his gaze. “I was horrible to you but, I didn’t mean it, when I said those things to you. When I called you pathetic and desperate, when I said you were a mistake. You were not a mistake! I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but one of the biggest was not allowing myself to realize how lucky I was to have you and not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.” I hear my voice break, and I stop talking. I take a deep breath trying to hold in the tears, but force the words out. “I’m so sorry Aaron. I’m so sorry for all of it. I’ll never forgive myself for everything I did to you. I would give anything to be able to take it back, to fix it, but I…can’t...” a sob escapes me and I clamp my hand over my mouth, hating myself for my weakness.

 

Aaron scoots closer and wraps his arms around me tucking me against his chest. Something inside of me breaks open at his touch and I sob into his chest. He just holds me, his hand rubbing gentle circles on my back. My sobs subside after a couple of minutes, and my breathing returns to normal. I don’t want to move away from him, terrified it’s the last time I’ll ever feel his arms around me. Eventually he pulls back a little bit, and I sit up, his arm still around my shoulders. He takes a deep breath “Robert why did you confess, but not tell them about me?” I think about it for a minute. “After everything that happened… it was the only thing I could think of to even begin to make things right, with Andy, Vic, Diane…you. After Andy found out about Katie, and he tried to kill me, I was just so tired. Tired of being hated, of hating myself. At first I was just going to tell the police what happened with Katie, but once I made the decision to do it…it was such a relief, I just decided to get it all out there. But I didn’t want to get you in any trouble so I talked to Paddy.” “You did what? How did you even get him to talk to you, he hates you?” He asks incredulously. “It wasn’t easy, but since he was the one that I shot, I thought it should be up to him. I apologized and told him if he wanted me to I would tell the police about the Lodge too, but he agreed it was best to leave you out of it.” He scoffed. “I knew if I went to you, you wouldn’t let me keep you out of it, that you would tell them everything no matter what it cost you. I swear I didn’t do it to avoid taking responsibility for what happened at the Lodge, I just couldn’t bear for you to be hurt because of me again.” He sighed. “I know, I just wish you and Paddy hadn’t made that decision without me. I should be going to prison too.” “No Aaron, you’ve punished yourself enough for Katie, that was my fault not yours and the stuff at the Lodge, that was all mine too, but you know how the police are, with your record they would of found something to charge you with. You have no reason to feel guilty. The blame for all of this is mine and mine alone.”

 

I can feel his eyes on me as I continue to stare at the ground. “Robert, I meant it when I said you’re not alone. I’m going to visit you as often as I can and I’ll even try to write, I’m not very good at letters, but I’ll try. You are not alone and we are going to get through this together. This is a clean slate, for you…maybe for us. I am so proud of you Robert, and I…I forgive you, for everything.” I let out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. I want to reach out and take his hand so badly, but I’m scared, I wouldn’t be able to handle it if he pulled away.

 

He continues talking “We can take this time to get to know each other properly. Start out as mates, see where things go from there?” He stutters. “I…If you want to, that is.” Without hesitating I turn towards him and grab his hand. “I do, more then anything.” He interlaces out fingers together and squeezes. “But…” my heart sinks. “No lies Robert. I mean it, complete honesty from both of us.” I grin, relief pouring through me. My eyes flicker across his face, trying to burn everything about it into my memory. “I swear on everyone and everything I have ever loved I will never lie to you again! I can’t promise to never mess up because we both know with me that’s totally unrealistic…” He huffs out a chuckle as I continue. “but I do promise to never intentionally hurt you or your family ever again, and to do everything in my power to make everything up to you and Paddy and your mum.” I lean forward pressing my forehead to his. “I won’t let you down again Aaron.” His breath ghosts against my lips and I want to close the distance between us to feel the silkiness of his lips again, but I don’t. I wait patiently, giving him the control I so often took from him in the past. My heart leaps as he presses his lips to mine. It’s the most chaste kiss we have ever shared, but the hope it fills me with takes my breath away. We lean back and I can’t help but laugh as I tilt my head back looking at the stars above us. He frowns “What’s so funny?” “This is not how I expected this night to end.” I whisper, amazed. He laughs, leaning his head on my shoulder. “I love you, ya idiot.” “I love you, too.” I say as I pray for this night to never end.


End file.
